Real Men Fart!!

Oh yeah that will be my next family car. hahahahaha

Okay all I have a rather gross subject. As you can tell by the title, it's about farts, and well men, and men and farts. That being said, you can all consider yourself warned.

Everybody farts, EVER FRICKEN BODY!!! But only a select few are entertaining while they do it.

My skinny anerexic looking grandmother had these farts that squealed. I mean high pitched, made my mother think the refrigerator was breaking down squeal. Some people have the machine gun farts--rat a tat tat tat. Others have the big belching vomit sounding farts. Sounds like someone majorly spewed. Wonder if the person has to wipe. hahahaha

Now my son and my husband both have one's that will fricken kill ya. I mean I wonder if they just go out and chew on rotten road kill they are so bad.

But my husband....well he must have his down to an art form. He has always had these squeaky little farts, that will gag you. He likes to say they squeak cuz his "butthole is so tiny" I always come back and say well God didn't want to make you all asshole so he left that part small since the rest is big asshole.

Anyhow....we are in bed the other night, He is turned on his side, rubbing my arm, talking to me and we are watching some t.v. When I hear a rather quiet, but high pitched. Heeeeeeeeelp Meh!!! I sit straight up in bed and go WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT??? He looks at me and goes. OOOOps, with a grin on his face. I say OMG DID YOUR ASS JUST SCREAM FOR HELP??? At which point he started laughing uncontrollably. I said, It did, your ass screamed for help, and he goes, no it didn't. So I immitated it. heeeeelp meh. I said, that was your ass!!!! It screamed for help!!!! What the hell do you have up there????

At which point he had fallen out of bed laughing and red in the face and screaming at me that I better not tell anybody. I said. Yeah right this is me we are talking about, I have a blog, and I like to tell EVERY FRICKEN BODY!!! I'm like if you don't want me to tell people then you need to stop stuffing things up your ass that need help. I mean this was a week or two ago and I'm still wondering why his as was screaming help me.

Then THEN!!!! Just the other night he was in the shower. And I was sitting on my throne reading him an article from a magazine. The shower and throne are on opposite ends of the bathroom but they face each other and we have a clear shower curtain with frogs on it.

Anyhow....I'm reading him this article, and I hear QUACK!! I stop reading and go, "what was that???" Two dogs walked in the bathroom and started looking around. I go, what the fuck just quacked?? And I see my husband sorta shaking in that silent kinda laugh. Shoulders bouncing and all. And I scream. OMG YOUR ASS JUST QUACKED AT ME!!!! He busts a gut laughing. I scream SO WAS IT THE DUCK SCREAMING FOR HELP THE OTHER NIGHT??

I swear to god, I must have the only man with a tallented talking, quacking asshole. Please tell me I'm not alone, cuz that is enough to send me over the edge. I mean when they find me giggling in a corner, saying "the duck in his ass kept screaming for help" nobody is gonna know what the hell I'm all about.

But honestly, even days later, it's enough to double you over laughing. I wish we could do it on command, cuz we could take that show on the road. Be rich from a talking ass. Although the smell might clear the room. hahahahaha

Hope you all have a good Wednesday. And no ducks scream for help on your watch. hahahahahaha