Spilling my Guts

Be warned this is probably gonna be a long book here.
I decided to spill all. Some of you might not even care to read it, and that is fine, it is more for me and healing for me. It's some things about me that I have hidden since I've had this blog. Shocking I know cuz I seem to put it all out there.

I'm having real issues with my health. Let me just lay some ground work to what I'm getting too. (this is the long part)

I was a skinny scrawny kid till I hit middle school, then after puberty I got a bit chunky. But I hiked, and rode horses, and ran and played. I thought I was fat in high school, but when I look back and at pics, I would kill for that body again. Even after high school, I rode the horses, I bucked hay, I worked out with weights and aerobics. I was in some dam good shape. But I was never "thin" my look good/feel good weight was between 180 and 210. And I was alot of muscle too.

When I moved back up here, I had moved to take care of my mom. I was still very active, but didn't have the gym here, so I put on a bit of weight. I got married, still very active, could go on hikes and everything.

Then I had my first surgery where they removed that 30lb tumor. It took me over a year to heal and tons of hormone pills, and I put on more weight. Then I went on fertility drugs for a year, because we very much wanted a baby. Got pregnant, lost some weight, had the baby and never lost any after he was born. Back on the hormone medication (this is so I won't get more tumors) A couple years later I went in for a routine surgery to remove my gal bladder, and the surgeon cut my artery so they had to cut me open. Lets just say it was a nightmare surgery and healing. Took so long. And yup you guessed it, more weight.

By this time my mom's health really started going down hill, so we were taking care of her more and more. Which meant less time for me to work out, less time to go hiking (we didn't feel right leaving unless we had someone to check on her) Less time for me in general. And....I put on more weight. I ended up going on blood pressure meds not to long after that. He said they were mainly from stress, but yes my weight did contribute.

Each year, my health got worse, and I gained a bit more weight. After my mom went in the hospital and to Texas, I made arrangements to go there for the summer. Took my kid. The point was, that my sister had gym equipment in her house, and a pool nearby that did water aerobics and I could work my butt off, and get a jump start on the weight loss.

As a bunch of you know. 4th day there I fell, got taken away in an ambulance. I dislocated my elbow, bruised up my knee, and we thought major sprained my ankle, now we know that it sorta broke. And I walked on it with a cane anyway. 5 days later I put myself in the water aerobics anyway. I did lose weight, not as much as I wanted cuz I couldn't use the gym machines, but in 5 months I lost 65lbs, it was a big jump start for me.

I came home and was keeping up exercising. (we don't have access to a pool or gym equipment here) so I did the best I could. Christmas eve I fell again. That hurt my spirits bad. As I was recouping from it, about ready to start exercising again, well my mom died. That threw me into a major tail spin, for at least 6 months. At least I didn't gain weight in that 6 months.

In the summer I hurt my back so bad that the chiropractor thought I might have broke it. Ended up I didn't, but I couldn't walk but a few feet and with a cane for 4 months. Yeah I gained some weight. After those holidays, my entire family got sick back to back for three months. We were sick then well for 4 or 5 days then sick again. It was horrid.

That spring I requested some new hormone meds. And then I went through a year of recurring urinary tract infections and yeast infections. I was miserable, I was sick feeling, I hurt so bad, and I could NOT exercise with that, and yeah I put on more weight.

The next spring I made the doctor take me off those meds. I then pulled my back out again that summer. I got healed, and thought, okay this is my year to get back in shape. I'm still walking, so I will just up that a bit and start my exercise tapes. Then my tooth broke and I had to go in for surgery. After I healed most of the way, I got an aweful aweful pain in my right knee. I was having a bit of a hard time walking. By Feb, the other knee started hurting just as bad.

I told the doctor about the pain and she gave me some pain meds. Tramadol....they are non narcotics, and I was just taking one on the weekends and one day during the week. Just at night. It seemed to be helping. Then I went through two bouts of this weird coughing sickness. I coughed day and night for 5 weeks straight. I couldn't take my pain meds when I was doing that cuz they would make me sick.

After I got well, the pain was way to much to catch up too. I was taking a pain pill every night. And again I gained more weight.

There is a point you hit where you can't lose weight unless you exercise, and you can't exercise unless you lose weight. Also if you hit a certain size, and can't really move, your body stores whatever it eats, even if it's healthy. Your metabolism just quits. That is the point I was/am at. My knees got worse and worse. I also felt like I had jelly legs. So...not only the pain but it felt like I was going to fall each time I tried to walk.

My weight makes it near impossible also. I get breathless just going in to the bathroom. I'm scared to go out of the house by myself, I'm not sure my legs will let me get back in myself. I've stopped driving cuz it's to hard to get in and out of the suburban without help, and I'm sure with my knees my reaction time on the pedals won't be what it used to be.

I was sinking into dispair from all the past few years, and curent sittuation. My sister finally noticed and told me I needed to talk to the doctor about my feelings as well as the pain.

I don't up pain meds on my own. I'm scared to death of them. My mother died from smoking and her pain med abuse. I like pain meds to much, so I know I could get addicted to them quite easy. So...I'm scared and extra careful. But...people I can't fricken move.

I went into the doctor. Now...here is one of the hardest parts for me to confess out to the world. I never have before. Their mechanical scale goes up to 350lbs. I'm off that scale. Their electronic scale goes to 400lbs I'm off that scale too. We estimate that I am about 450lbs. I'm 5'5" tall, that's alot of weight.

I have high blood pressure, that isn't even controlled with meds right now. She said from the pain and dehydration it was 200 over 112. Scared the crap out of me. I suffer from degenerative disc disease. Which yes I know is hereditary, but the weight doesn't help and my lower back and hips are in constant pain. I suffer from lower leg lymphadema. My lower legs are about as big as my thighs, and heavy and achy and gross. And my knees. We think it's arthritis, cuz it makes gross gross grating noises when I move. And now because of all of this and because of my fat ass, I can't fricken move. I am so scared to be the lady cut out of her house. Or to die.

I'm not bed ridden, but I'm sure that would be the next step. The doctor went ahead and told me to take two of those pills at night. And after I broke down and sobbed to her, she put me on cymbalta. She is going to see me in one month, and moniter me very close.

Gigantor and my sister have been helping tons. My sister calls or texts me throughout the day and reminds me to drink water, and to do some arm exercises in my chair.

We have started some leg exercises each night here at home. I lay on my back on the bed, and Gigantor will pick up my heals. I will make the walking motion. 20 steps so actually 40 cuz it's 20 on each side. I'm ready to up it 5. (I've only been doing them a week) And then he puts my feet on his upper chest (His taekwondo master told us to do this one) And I bend my knees back to my chest as far as I can and I push, and he pushes back, so it's resistance. We do it for a count of 10 then I push him all the way up. We repeat that 5 times. I'm not quite ready to up that yet, but hopefully in another week.

Please all, pray for me. I'm scared, and I'm still way to down in the dumbs to be fired up enough. I'm really hoping the pain meds make me feel better enough so I can move and that the cymbalta makes me feel better enough so I WANT to move.

I just wanted to lay it out there to you, cuz I'm probably gonna be using the blog once in a while to vent or whine or talk about my sucess or failures for the day.

If you have read this far I give you brownie, cuz I'm not eating any more of them right now. hahahahaha

Bless you all

Have a good weekend if I don't talk to you before then!!!