Good Times

Gigantor and I were sitting talking about things he missed out on seeing about my mom since we were married. In the 12 years we have been married he has basically seen mom in the mental state she is now. He never knew mom when she wasn't bitter and pissed off at the entire world. He never knew her when she was in better shape physically and we did lots of thing together. He never knew the jokester she could be. And in the past 12 years, even I have forgotten alot of the ways she could be. My mother, after the divorce (when I was 5), turned into a very bitter and angry woman toward men. But she still thirsted for good times in life, she still had lots of fun with everything. She was an amazing jokester. But, alas, it is sad that my husband and son have never gotten to see that part of her. But, I try to remember. As we were sitting today I remembered some good, and funny times, and thought I might write about one.

I could write about the time, her and her sister and a couple friends went out and got drunk, and got stopped by the cops, and then they crawled, (yes crawled) in the house giggling so hard they woke everyone up. Or the time (my uncle lived with us for a while) she took his jock strap (he refereed basketball games for the school) and kept redunking it in water and putting it back in the freezer all day long, so it was frozen in a huge layer of ice, and he had to put it on that way, because he was running late. Or the multiple water, and food fights we had, getting so loud, that sometimes neighbors would call the police. Or the time she kicked Alekx and my uncles butts with frozen loaves of bread. Or how we would clean the church kitchen and meeting place to the tunes of Pink Floyd, AC/DC, and Black Sabbath. Or the time she held a slumber party for Alekx and talked to the entire block, and set up a strobe light and stereo out on the street, and let the kids party harty for a few hours. Or how her and her brother, held all the teen dances in the town for a few years. I could talk about any of those. But instead I'm gonna talk about one teeny tiny incident, that caused so much laughter I almost peed myself. A moment that is all mine. You all might not even find it funny, cuz maybe you would have had to been there to get it. But it was very very funny.

My mother was the office manager at the Napa store here in town for 26 years. I started working part time there when I was 16. I worked there till I was 18, then moved away, when I moved back, I started working there again, and worked 11 years till they let me go (something awful I won't go into now, cuz that's not what this post is about) So....anyhow.....the time of this post is when I was working there when I was about 17 or 18. My mother was such a jokester at work, her and all the guys would joke and sometimes even chase each other around the store. There was lots of laughter in there. They guys likes to throw tiny lit firecracker in the office, when we didn't realize it, and scare the doo doo out of us. My mom in turn was one of the BEST rubber band shooters around. She would get the sucker up under her left thumb nail, and pull back with her right first finger, and let it fly. It would hit it's target like a bee sting. Which would ensue lots of laughter from the other men in the store. I tried to learn how to shoot rubber bands like this. But for some reason I just could not. I would either shoot myself in the thumb or it would fall right in front of me. I was pathetic. (never good at sports) hehehehe Also I guess you should understand that even though mom was a huge jokester, she also was very professional at work. The really nice polyester pants and nice shirts and jackets all the way. (and mom was very modest. She may have worked with men, but she embarrassed easy with any raunchyness, or talk) So...anywhooo one day we are sitting there at work arguing about who is going to get on their hands and knees and look under these shelves for some stuff we couldn't find. She finally gets down on her hands and knees, and sorta has her ear to the ground so she can see under the shelf. So her tookus is sticking up in the air. Oh what a target. All the women in my family are large, as you can tell by how much weight Alekx has lost, and that's the reason I'm going to Texas is help with my health and weight. Anyhow what was I saying??? Oh yeah, mom's ass is in the air. And me being the cocky teenager I was, and just getting done fighting with her. I was having all sorts of thought about how I could smack her with a ruler on her butt, or kick her with my boot. And I was thoroughly enjoying the direction my thought were going. I'm all smirking to myself, and grinning. Then I get this dead pan serious look on my face as I continue to keep staring at my mom's caboose. I don't know what came over me, but I picked up a rubber band. (I can't shoot bands, remember?) and I place it under my left thumb nail. My breathing has quickened, and a bead of sweat on my brow. I pull back with my right finger, thinking that it would feel so good to shoot her with the rubber band, but I'll probably shoot my finger again. I let go with my right hand. And SSSSSSNNNNNAAAAAAPPPPPPPP right in the fricken ass. Full speed, bee sting velocity. And not on one cheek or the other, but right in the MOTHER PLUCKIN middle. Mom SHOOTS up to sit on her knees with both hands grabbing her ass. I'm thinking, "oh Holy Mary Mother of God I'm such a dead woman" I also start thinking "run stupid ass run" (cuz lets face it mom was a jokester, but she would also knock you into next week) But I couldn't run. I was frozen in place by the horror of it all, and by the sheer joy of finally getting her a good one. So....with a half smirk, half startled look I just sit there. Mom is still gripping her ass. She then whips around facing me. And I think "oh great here it comes, I'm a dead woman" She whispers really loud like. "OMG did my pants just rip"
People!!! That is all it took for my DAM of laughter to erupt. I started laughing and couldn't stop. Mom is shuffling over to me on her knees, going "no I'm serious did my pants just rip?" She goes all whispery, "look and tell me" and she procededs to turn around and stick her ass in the air again. This time I literally fell out of my chair laughing. She keeps going. "what?" "tell me if they ripped!" My MOTHER had thought that bee sting of a rubber band was her pants splitting right in the middle. As I laugh and side step around her, (while she is still on her knees and holding her ass with both hands) I finally get to the door so I can make a quick get away, and I confess that her pants did not rip, but that I shot her right in the ass with a rubberband. Then I ran. hehehehe Of course since she was on the ground she couldn't get up fast enough to ensue chase. Thank the lord. I was scared to go back in that office for the rest of the day. hehehe But it was worth it, it was soooo worth it. hehehe

Okay all I'm off to eat our Sunday dinner of corned beef. (since we stocked up when they were on sale) Happy Sunday everyone.