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Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Feeling weird

As tomorrow (the 17th) quickly approaches. I'm feeling rather weird. Sorta sad, sorta anxious, sorta not wanting to be here, and not with it. I'm going to try to treat it like any other day, but as 1;20 az time approaches, I'm sure I will be holding my breath.

After two years, the events of that day and the time of the phone call, the exact words, the emotions, they are so vivid. After a call from my sister early in the morning, I called Gigantor, said, mom's not supposed to make it through the day. He was home in 5 minutes. We sat together, taking and making calls. We put in a movie to take our mind off of things we couldn't control. (Underworld) Exactly 23 minutes into the movie the phone rang. I paused, he picked up the phone, he said, "okay, and here she is" He then turned his entire body toward me and grabbed me. I knew, before I took the phone I knew. Alekx, was there, admist crying she says. "It's done, she's gone" I hung up and for the first time in my life. I sobbed the most anguishing grief. The body wracking sobs, the one's that tell you that THAT is what a heart tearing open and breaking feels like. He just held me, he cried with me, he wouldn't let go, that's what I needed.

God only knows how long I sobbed like that, but my entire body was spent, or so I thought. I'm thinking maybe Alekx went through the same thing, cuz right about the time I stopped the sobs and it was just tears, the phone rang again. She had called me back to tell he exactly how she went. Exactly who was with her. When she stopped breathing but her heart hadn't stopped, how she, alekx, leaned down and said, it's okay mom, both Burfica and I love you, and we will take care of each other, don't worry, then how her heart stopped. My sister got to hold her in her arms as she went. I'm so glad.

The tears are flowing freely again as I sit and write this. I haven't cried hard from missing her in a while. I was crying every day for a while, then a few days a week for the first year. About once a week for 6 months after that. Now I don't think of her every single day, and when I do think of her (still very often) I don't necessarily cry every time. I still miss her as much as the first day. I don't think that will ever change. Some days I just want my mommy. When I realize that I would never call on my in laws to help me when I'm sick, I want my mommy. When the eye doctor told me that my son may have a disease, I want my mommy. When the teachers tell me how much they like him and how smart he is, I want my mommy. When my husbands birthday comes around, or he does something great at work or at home, she would always call and praise him, his family could care less, at those times, I want my mommy. When I get so down I can barely pull myself back up again, I want my mommy. When thanksgiving and christmas roll around, I want my mommy. Every day of the rest of my life, I'm gonna want my mommy.

I wish Alekx and us could be together for this day. I pray all the strength and peace go to her, I'll take it all for both of us. She has given so much. I would hope she doesn't hurt this much, but god I know she does. We both want our mommy.

Thanks for sticking with me. Hard day, hard post.

Hug your loved one's today, tell them you love them.

18 comments:

Special K said...

Thinking of you today with many hugs and shared tears. I lost my "Mom" July 21st 2000. My biological mother is still alive but it was my grandmother who raised and loved me.
It gets lighter at times but as you said, is consistently there.
I wish you peace today.

Canadian flake said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you today sweetheart. Remember what I always say about a day like today, get through today...one hour at a time, one minute at a time if necessary. I sorta mentioned you in a post on my blog. Hope that is ok.

love you

whatevergirl said...

I lost my mom in 1994, and I think about her everyday. The hardest, to me, is that my kids are missing a wonderful grandmother. Mother's Day is getting easier, but her birthday is weird.
It does get easier, but your life is definitely changed forever.
My prayers are with you.

Burfica said...

K-- Thank you very much my friend.

Flake--I love you!!!!

Whatevergirl--thanks for coming by and your kind words. The major holidays and her birthday is hard, but it was a bit easier this year than last.

Jules said...

Oh my goodness, Sweetie... what a heartwrenching post! Baby... I was there when my stepdad passed, took his last breaths... it's ever ever so hard and I remember crying just like you did - to that extent. I'm not sure why I'm telling you that, it's not to steal your thunder, but rather, to let you know that we share in this experience, and we'll use that to strengthen our friendship even more! So (((((HUGE HUGS))))) to you today... I'll be thinking about you tons and tons today!

Burfica said...

jules--yeah I don't wish that pain on much of anyone, but we all have to go though it. HUGE HUGGSSSS back!!!

Marni said...

I'm thinking about you today. I wish I could take all of your grief and throw it into the deepest pit of the ocean. Think happy thoughts of your mom and know that she is "with" you all the time.

Big, strong, warm hugs!!!

Coffeypot said...

Good, sensitive post from a crusty old broad

Burfica said...

marni--thank you, yeah she is with me, laughing her ass off at me every day. hehehehe

Coffey--Thank you, you crusty old koot. hehehehe

SIMON said...

My thoughts are with you Burf love.
I share my hugs with you and my loved one as we are all apart from each other.
Chin up Girl, she's up there watching and enjoying your life, keep making her proud!

Burfica said...

ebezp--I thank you my friend. I'm sure she's as happy as can be now, it's just us that's sad.

Mia said...

(((BIG HUGS)))....You and Alekx are in my thoughts and prayer. Remember your mom is right there with you.

Anonymous said...

You had me crying right with you.

It is so hard to lose a loved one.Remember you are the person you are today because of her.She lives on in you.

Hold onto the memories.

Phoenix5 said...

((((((HUGS))))))

Burfica said...

miranda--thank you it's much appreciated and needed today.

Ponderings--the memories are precious to me. thanks for the love

Phoenix--I adore you my friend!!!!

the planet of janet said...

burfica, catching up with this late. but sending retro hugs for this day..

Anonymous said...

Burf, I'm so sorry I got behind in reading your blog. Someone wrote that your Mom is right there with you and I truly believe that. There's a thin veil between here and there. Take care sweetie.

Dorko said...

I don't think I can send anymore comfort out to you than what has already been spoken here - it's hard to type through the tears! (as you know!)
My golly I love you, and I love your sister, and I definately loved your Mom - she was/is everything you girls have ever testified of her as being, and then some!
And... you are so right in your grievence of her passing on
Having to carry on ...
when we're missing someone -
Most especially a special someone
like your Mom...
Sucks.
Perhaps, in time, you can turn the day into a celebration of her special ways and means...