Feeling weird

As tomorrow (the 17th) quickly approaches. I'm feeling rather weird. Sorta sad, sorta anxious, sorta not wanting to be here, and not with it. I'm going to try to treat it like any other day, but as 1;20 az time approaches, I'm sure I will be holding my breath.

After two years, the events of that day and the time of the phone call, the exact words, the emotions, they are so vivid. After a call from my sister early in the morning, I called Gigantor, said, mom's not supposed to make it through the day. He was home in 5 minutes. We sat together, taking and making calls. We put in a movie to take our mind off of things we couldn't control. (Underworld) Exactly 23 minutes into the movie the phone rang. I paused, he picked up the phone, he said, "okay, and here she is" He then turned his entire body toward me and grabbed me. I knew, before I took the phone I knew. Alekx, was there, admist crying she says. "It's done, she's gone" I hung up and for the first time in my life. I sobbed the most anguishing grief. The body wracking sobs, the one's that tell you that THAT is what a heart tearing open and breaking feels like. He just held me, he cried with me, he wouldn't let go, that's what I needed.

God only knows how long I sobbed like that, but my entire body was spent, or so I thought. I'm thinking maybe Alekx went through the same thing, cuz right about the time I stopped the sobs and it was just tears, the phone rang again. She had called me back to tell he exactly how she went. Exactly who was with her. When she stopped breathing but her heart hadn't stopped, how she, alekx, leaned down and said, it's okay mom, both Burfica and I love you, and we will take care of each other, don't worry, then how her heart stopped. My sister got to hold her in her arms as she went. I'm so glad.

The tears are flowing freely again as I sit and write this. I haven't cried hard from missing her in a while. I was crying every day for a while, then a few days a week for the first year. About once a week for 6 months after that. Now I don't think of her every single day, and when I do think of her (still very often) I don't necessarily cry every time. I still miss her as much as the first day. I don't think that will ever change. Some days I just want my mommy. When I realize that I would never call on my in laws to help me when I'm sick, I want my mommy. When the eye doctor told me that my son may have a disease, I want my mommy. When the teachers tell me how much they like him and how smart he is, I want my mommy. When my husbands birthday comes around, or he does something great at work or at home, she would always call and praise him, his family could care less, at those times, I want my mommy. When I get so down I can barely pull myself back up again, I want my mommy. When thanksgiving and christmas roll around, I want my mommy. Every day of the rest of my life, I'm gonna want my mommy.

I wish Alekx and us could be together for this day. I pray all the strength and peace go to her, I'll take it all for both of us. She has given so much. I would hope she doesn't hurt this much, but god I know she does. We both want our mommy.

Thanks for sticking with me. Hard day, hard post.

Hug your loved one's today, tell them you love them.